This is for you, Mama, if:
you’re fed up with chasing everyone else’s of version of a “good mum”
you want more time to spend on the things that matter to you as a family
you’re done with the blueprint you were handed and ready to design your own.
(Pic: Me having a precious moment to think!)
Last week, I introduced you to Frankenmum, the impossible benchmark we stitch together from all the images and reels of perfect mums we see on social media. Frankenmum is the only mum having it all and being good at all of it simultaneously. And she ain’t real.
The truth is that trying to be her is costing us our health. Bupa found that 63% of mums had driven themselves to exhaustion trying to be a “supermum”. It’s a cruel game because whenever we feel like we might be getting things right, or at least OK-ish, the goalposts are moved.
Actually, the expectation both internally and externally that we should be able to have it all, do it all, and keep on top of it all without a hair out of place is, quite frankly, toxic. So we can’t let society tell us what a good mum looks like. Instead, we have to decide what our own version of good looks like. Honestly, that’s a lot of fun. Let me show you.
WTF is Motherhood Design?
Life design, you may have heard of. But when I was responding to the comments on last week’s article, a new phrase came to me: motherhood design.
If you don’t decide what matters, everything starts to matter. Homemade birthday cakes. The Montessori toys. Swimming lessons. Organic snacks. A tidy house. Fancy days out. Suddenly you’re trying to get As in subjects you never even chose.
Because if we don’t actively, consciously design the type of motherhood we want, we will get squeezed into somebody else’s mould (maybe your mother-in-law’s) and end up doing things in a way that creates friction and takes us out of alignment. I remember my mother-in-law was very keen that we should get the babies out of our bedroom and into their own room. She felt so strongly that we did it, but I regretted it. I hadn’t decided what I wanted, so somebody else’s certainty filled the gap.
As a coach and someone who has designed processes and businesses, I know that if we don’t design for the outcome we want, it just won’t happen. Motherhood is no different.
And then we can get frustrated and resentful.
The truth is if we don’t design our motherhood, we don’t have the time to do the things that really matter to us and run ourselves ragged chasing everybody else’s version of “good mum”.
(Pic: I designed my motherhood with nature as a core value. A normal Sunday for my boys features jumping in holes on the beach - they never tire of it!)
How do we design motherhood?
Let’s invest a few minutes now in establishing the type of mum you want to be – not the one that last impressed you on social media, the one that’s most ‘on trend’ or the one that everyone else in the WhatsApp group looks up to, but the one that actually feels the most you. I’m talking about the one you want to spend the next couple of decades (at least) being.
1, Think about the memories you want to create
Take a deep breath and imagine your children taking you out for a birthday lunch when they are in their 20s. You all start reminiscing about their childhood. What is it that they remember?
Free write anything that comes to you.
Is it the time you took them to the airport and didn’t tell them where you were going?
Is it fighting over who had the last roast potato every Sunday after an epic roast?
Is it the family karaoke nights the neighbours complained about?
It doesn’t matter how goofy it sounds, just set the clock for 2 minutes and write.
2, Look for the value
Now we take that memory and establish the value behind it. The value behind the airport memory might be travel or adventure; the value behind the feast might be cooking from scratch and eating together, the value behind the karaoke might be fun.
There is no wrong answer here, just go with it (and if you’re stuck ask me in the comments).
3, Design for that value
What would her weekends look like?
What type of family holidays would she go on?
What type of childcare, education or after-school activities would she choose?
What would she prioritise spending on?
What family traditions might she start?
Write it down. This is just a thought exercise, so if a critical voice pipes up telling you all the reasons why these things would never work, just tell it to do one for now.
Whatever you wrote down should be leaving you with a smile on your face, these should be things you want to be doing.
You should now have a clearer idea of what to prioritise your very precious resources (time, money, energy) on and the direction you want to design in.
Next week we’ll be getting practical and looking at what we are going to give ourselves permission to ditch in order to make space for all this fun stuff. For this to be sustainable, it needs to be realistic.
I really would love to hear how you got on with that exercise. Please let me know in the comments. Has it inspired you to start a new family tradition?
Ps. I’m thinking of running this as a free live workshop, if you’d be interested drop me a message.
I'm Leila Green, founder of F*** Mum Guilt. I write about motherhood, identity, and how to stop chasing somebody else's version of a good mum.
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