This is for you if:
You feel uncomfortable allowing yourself rest
You’re always doing a million things for everybody else
You find it hard to sit down without spotting something that needs doing.
WTF’s productivity guilt?
Let me demonstrate. Go sit somewhere by yourself and do nothing for one minute. Don’t use that time thinking about what needs doing literally, just do nothing.
For most mums this feels seriously uncomfortable.
Multitasking is part of modern motherhood. We’re checking emails whilst keeping an eye on the fight brewing at the top of the softplay slide, we’re unloading the dishwasher whilst boiling the kettle, whilst shouting our shopping list into Chatgpt. But what if we just let it all go and gave ourselves a moment of…nothing.
My body is telling me to slow down at the moment but I’ve always been a Duracell Bunny, powering on, getting everything done for everyone who’s depending on me 7 days a week. I hate multitasking but unfortunately a lot of mum life necessitates it. It gets done whilst doing something else or it doesn’t get done at all.
So I’ve had to dig deep and sit with this feeling of being deeply uncomfortable giving myself just one minute’s grace, one minute of nothing, to see what this is really about. I’m going to be completely honest about what I found and I want to know if you relate.
The internal interrogation.
I needed to get to the bottom of why I couldn’t give myself time where nothing was required of me.
I started off gently, I asked myself, “Is it because there is always so much to be done?”
“No, there will always be stuff to be done, that’s not it.”
“Is it because you think a better mum would be on top of it?”
“No. I let that shit go ages ago.”
“Is it because society only values productivity and since you went on mat leave and left your last business you are not contributing enough therefore not valued enough by society?”
I had to think about this one, we were getting warmer. But I couldn’t hand the blame over to society.
I came closer to home. I thought about my friends. I still have friends today from when I was a kid who wasn’t troubled by the need to be productive or contribute, so my friends aren’t judging me on this. I had to admit, this was a me problem.
I had to admit it’s because I don’t really think I have a value when I’m not doing something.
Sigh that one out.
Old me died when my kids were born, but who is new me?
(Pic: me and my brother clutching all the books we published that had been shortlisted for a Business Book of the Year Award. We even had a winner!)
My identity for so long was tied up in my business. I was a female entrepreneur; the lines were blurred between personal brand and business brand. It was tangled. Who I was was what I had achieved. How many bestsellers and award winners I’d published that year. How many zeros on the growth. Who I was came with hard, masculine metrics back then.
When I left for mat leave I had to get to know who I was outside of my identity as a female entrepreneur. If this sounds whacky, let me tell you that when you run your own business as a mission, as a passion, and you give it your blood sweat and tears, it’s more than just a J.O.B. it’s part of the fabric of you.
But then, all of a sudden it wasn’t. And for the 4 years that followed I’ve been running around trying to keep on top of all the demands of triplet boys.
It’s only now they’ve started school that I’ve had some time for me. Time where thoughts that haven’t had a chance to come in, pop up. And that has been quite challenging.
When my triplets first started term, I would work at the rate I used to when I was trying to squeeze everything in in a few stolen hours or before they woke up. I don’t have to be like that anymore. It’s unsustainable. I need to learn to go slower. To give myself breaks. That I can build in blank time for me in my week without feeling guilty.
Learning to be, not just do
Yet, the hardest thing of all is believing I still have value when I’m not achieving, producing, fixing or doing something. I still have a value when I’m just being.
So I’m practising. Taking my tea into the garden. Sitting in the sunshine. Giving myself a few minutes I haven’t “earned” by completing anything else.
How about you? Do you struggle to do nothing? When you sit down, do you immediately see all the jobs that need doing? Can you actually rest without feeling like you should be somewhere else, doing something useful?
Let me know. I’d love to unpack this further.
Subscribe if you want more honest conversations about mum guilt, impossible standards and what it actually takes to let some of that shit go.
ps. Due to a mental load overload, part of this unfinished article went out last week. If that draft landed in your inbox, I’m sorry. I hope you enjoyed the finished version.