I'm Calling BS on Christmas Expectations on Mums
A rebellion against unrealistic expectations
Christmas Day 2020. I’m hanging on by a thread after another tough year. It should have been our first Christmas as a family. My baby girl should have been here wearing a cute reindeer jumper.
Should have. Should have. Should have.
Grief gets you in different ways and at different times.
The guests had arrived. It was time for me to start the epic job of cooking the Christmas dinner, and I couldn’t do it. I hid upstairs. Shut the office door and sobbed on the floor.
If I’m honest, the whole festive period had been too much. I had said yes to things I didn’t feel up to out of obligation. Out of not wanting to be the party-pooper. I smiled my way through it all. The masking took its toll. And I carried this quiet belief that I needed to be a Christmas cheer factory for everyone else who had also had a tough year.
“Come to mine for a party, guys.”
My husband found me, offered to take over, and made the mother of all colour-coded spreadsheets to tackle cooking the dinner (he’d never even cooked a dinner party at this point). Possibly the nicest thing anyone has ever done for me.
Grief aside, this isn’t a rare story.
63% of mums find Christmas stressful.
77% say their mental health worsens in December.
This month is a perfect storm.
The physical work – decorating, battling the hauds in the shops, hauling a six-foot Nordic pine tree back home etc.
The mental work – diaries, gifts, food plans, who’s where and when, budgeting for all the expensive outings.
The emotional work – compromising, people-pleasing, swallowing comments about how you parent with a festive smile, processing feelings about those who aren’t around our Christmas table any more, maybe even a sprinkle of loneliness too.
Plus, social media gives our mum guilt a festive glow up when our home, bodies, and gifts don’t look as good as everybody else’s. If you’re reading this and your home doesn’t look like a Boujis hotel lobby, you don’t fancy squeezing into a sexy santa costume and you’re buying your gifts from Vinted, you are not alone.
Empower Your ELF
When I was a female entrepreneur, I had to stay focussed, hire and delegate and stick to what worked for me rather than switching strategies every two minutes because someone successful was doing something different. I’ve drawn on all of that to give you the F*** Mum Guilt Christmas Survival Guide: ELF
E - Eliminate the unnecessary. More is not more. You can’t do it all. Instead of going OTT (easily done), think about what you can scrub off your to-do list e.g. Iditched Christmas cards last year and will do the same this year. Sure, it would be cute if I could arrange a festive photo shoot and send cards out to the family but honestly, I don’t have the bandwidth. Also, everyone is too full to have dessert, so I’ll not be offering one on Christmas Day. There’s always a herd of Lindt reindeer if anyone fancies something sweet.
L- Let others help. Christmas is no time for mum martyrdom. Delegate without the guilt. Nearly half of mums struggle to even ask their partner for support. I implore you to write a list of what needs doing and then delegate - could some of your guests bring a dish? Could your partner or mum pick up your click and collect? Mum burnout is death by a thousand papercuts. Take some of the little things off your list to give yourself some breathing space.
F - Forget what everyone else is doing. This is a hard one because advertisers, retailers and your social media feed will tell you what wonderful things everyone else is doing and buying and will leave you feeling the pressure to do the same. Forget them. You do not need to go into debt to have a good Christmas. Now is the time for compassion not comparison. Your kids don’t need $$$$ spent on them, they need a calm, grounded, healthy mama to have fun with over the festive period.
Over to you…
What part of Christmas do you secretly find the hardest?
Which part of ELF feels most needed this year – E, L, or F?
And honestly… are you already running on fumes?
Hit the button and let me know.
ELF is my new Christmas slogan. It’s hard cos I want my twins to have a magical time. But I have to remember I’m not the only one responsible for that. Since ditching the mum guilt I’m just trying to focus on the ‘one thing’ that is important each day rather than trying to do everything. And trying to schedule a bit of time each week for me.
Brilliantly put, Leila. Phew. I can relax now. I am so sorry about that wretched Christmas when you had friends coming over in the first paragraph or so. My heart aches for you... but what a man you have! Sending loads of Christmas love to you and your tiny tribe.