The school portrait that took me full circle
How this F*** Mum Guilt Movement Started
Last night I went back to my old girls’ school because they’d included me in their 150 most inspiring role models. One of the students had done my portrait which they’d put in a powerful mural alongside women who had made scientific break-throughs and changed the world.
I felt so emotional and proud.
Hearing some of the current students take the stage and speak about how they understood they had a purpose and their voice was power, it felt very obvious how I got from a 12 year-old sitting in that assembly hall to a mum who started this movement.
If you’re new here, welcome. If you’re an OG – let’s go deeper…
Life Before
In 2021, I was rocking being a top 100 female entrepreneur. I’d run my publishing business for over 10 years. I spent my days working with authors. Then major life curveball. I naturally conceived triplets.
Life would never be the same again.
Motherhood is isolating, but being a triplet mum is alienating.
Never enough mummy to go around
My premature triplets were just 4 weeks old, still tiny fragile beings that looked more like worms than babies when mum guilt first hit.
Two were discharged home from hospital and one wasn’t. Who needed me most? The sickest baby who had teams of people looking after him 24/7 or the two at home who were healthier but still very needy. There was no right answer. Only mum guilt.
Three months into motherhood, I reached breaking point.
24 feeds every 24 hours and mum guilt came for me hard. I was sleep-deprived, exhausted and easy prey.
I almost believed it when it whispered, “It’s not their fault you can’t do this. They deserve better.”
That was when I realised it was him or me, and I couldn’t let this toxic bully in my head win. My babies needed me strong, so I pushed back and kept pushing.
The reel that started a movement
Picture the scene:
I’ve just come back from the gym (a simple act of self-care I get trolled for) and fed the babies some kind of vegetable gloop. Gym clothes now splattered with green gloop, babies still in their high chairs. And a reel pops up:
Red. Rag. To. A. Bull.
Having done all the hard work on breaking up with guilt I couldn’t sit back and see it paraded as a metric of love. WTF. This is the trap.
Ditching mum guilt does not mean we don’t love or care for our children thank you very much, but that we take care of ourselves too. I was outraged, did a ranty to-camera call to arms. And you answered.
70 mums signed up for my mum guilt amnesty.
We got national media coverage.
It blew up.
That was the moment I realised this wasn’t just my fight. It was ours.
What happened next
I got loud. I grabbed the mic. I called mum guilt out. I spoke up about maternal mental health. I wrote a book about the raw, real parts of motherhood with Stacey Dooley. I stepped on to the TEDx stage and now I’ve started a Substack too. Honestly, I’ve only just got started. Employers and the NHS, I’m coming for you next!
What I’m for:
Breaking the silence and lifting the taboo on the parts of motherhood that never get airtime, especially maternal mental health
Mums filling their cups without guilt and modelling what a healthy adult that takes care of their wellbeing looks like
Exposing mum guilt as the toxic partner he is and giving mums the tools to finally break free
What I’m against
Mum judgement in all its forms – the birthplace of mum guilt
Cultural conditioning that keeps mums feeling like it’s them that’s not good enough, not the system!
Unrealistic expectations that push mums into burnout and misery
Actually, this could be a whole post, so I’ll stop now.
This beautiful community
Right now, most people just accept mum guilt as part of motherhood but it doesn’t have to be that way. It can be shown the door. Experiencing mum guilt is inevitable in today’s society but staying in it is a choice.
You’ve joined this movement because you’re choosing to stand up to it.
You know it doesn’t serve you. You know how shitty it can make you feel and frankly, you’re done with this energy drain.
But here’s the catch, like that toxic partner that always wheedles his way back into your life, mum guilt is hard to shake. Hard, but not impossible especially if you’ve got proven mindset tools and a community of besties and allies who’ve got your back.
So thank you, Mama, for being here. Part of this movement. Change starts now.
Maybe it makes more sense why an ambitious school girl who wants to leave her stamp on the world painted my portrait now.
Much love,
Leila x
Your message was exactly want I needed to hear. And I’m so glad I found you and your community. The more of us that can support each other and encourage us not to feel the guilt the better.
Congratulations on being seen heard and recognised by those young women in your old school. And by Mothers everywhere hearing your siren song of acceptance and love yourself first! Drinking from that cup myself. Proud of you and your progress.