Why Returning to Work is Not Working.

And why employers need to up their game

A journalist from Stylist asked me last week about the state of things for mums returning to work. The question came off the back of some really alarming reports.

If you had to guess what percentage of mums would say they were anxious and dreading returning to work, what would you say?

It’s 70%.

And it turns out that anxiety is justified because over half of mums had a negative experience once they got back to work.

My hero, Joeli Brearley, also did the maths and found that 26% of parents leave their employer because the return was handled so badly.

So that’s where we’re at.

But the real question is: why?

How did things get this bad?

Or have they always been this way?

Raw research

A year ago, I carried out the most authoritative research possible (and I say that as an ex-Oxford academic). I hit up my favourite mums’ WhatsApp group. The one where everyone is honest and real about the struggle. I asked them what they were experiencing and, honestly, I was shocked at the blatant discrimination (and in some cases abuse) mums were putting up with because they needed a pay cheque. I got messages like:

“When you are a mother, you know it will be held against you. The guilt becomes the stick managers use to beat you.”

“My boss had the cheek to reduce my bonus because I didn’t attend enough out-of-hours events.”

“Everyone else regularly works until 8pm. I feel like I’m not pulling my weight.”

The expectation cycle

This is how it goes.

1. Mum returns.
Everyone expects her to act like nothing’s changed. Only everything has.

2. Mum masks.
She puts on a convincing performance of being who she was before because that’s her only option.
She doesn’t say she’s had 1.5 hours sleep.
She doesn’t say the logistics are breaking her.
She doesn’t talk about the mum guilt that’s consuming her.
Because, just like they say on all the police dramas, “Anything you do say can be used against you.”

Ultimately, she does not feel psychologically safe enough to be real and ask for the support she needs.

3. The performance becomes the expectation.
Because she masks so well, the unrealistic expectations continue. Sometimes they even ramp up, bit by bit. “Oh you wouldn’t mind (insert boundary-breaching ask), would you?”

It is a one way ticket to burnout.

4. The grand finale

And when the mask eventually slips, because she is human, has young children and winter colds do not care about KPIs, it feels like a huge fail. The careful performance she has poured so much energy into maintaining suddenly shatters.

In some cases, mums can go years without dropping that mask. I know one mum who worked somewhere for two years before her colleagues realised she had kids. Imagine that level of compartmentalisation.

This cannot be the way to get women to thrive in the workplace.

This cannot be how we build a pipeline of brilliant female talent.

This needs a radical change.

Yes, some employers are offering genuine flexibility. Others offer a token nod to it. Some employers provide real support. Others offer a 10% discount on local family attractions (which they can stick where the sun doesn’t shine).

Even if we give them the benefit of the doubt, those moves only scratch the surface. What no one seems to be addressing is the mental and emotional transition mums go through as they set up an identity as a working mother.

This is where mum guilt hits hardest. It feeds off vulnerability. It shows up in the silence between expectations and reality. It becomes the internal bully whispering that we are not good enough at home or at work, which is exactly why the return to work is such a critical moment.

In my recent TEDx talk I said:
“What if employers could recognise the changes a mum goes through and see that the return to work is a huge mum guilt trigger that needs to be handled sensitively.”

Because the return to work is a golden window.
A one-time opportunity for an employer to position themselves as a family’s long-term ally.
Handled well, mums come back confident, grounded and loyal.
Handled badly, you lose one in four.

So, my next move is to do something about this. Yes, I’m prepared for doors to be slammed in my face. Or worse, polite nods from employers who want to appear supportive but have no intention of changing anything. I might even oblige the tick boxers because it’ll get me in the room with some mums I can help.

If you have any HR contacts or people who might actually want to get this right, please DM me.

So let’s take the mask off together.

We cannot fix what we keep hidden.
We cannot transform a culture built on silence.

Tell me what your return was really like.
What shocked you?
What broke you?
What helped you survive?

Because once our stories are out in the open, employers will have to up their game.