The Patriarchy’s Final Blow?

Mum guilt, coercive control and the truth

My dad had Narcissistic Personality Disorder.

Over time, I watched my brilliant mum, who told the best stories and always saw the sunny side, slowly disappear.

I saw her lose her confidence in things I knew she was great at. Doubt her decision-making. Ditch her friends, hobbies and ultimately a career she loved.

That’s what coercive control does.
It breaks you down piece by piece. And then has the temerity to tell you it’s: “for your own good”.

I promised myself I’d never end up in a situation like that.
And then, twenty years later, as a new mum, I started to see it happening again.

Pic: Me and my mum at a dance class recently. She’s still got it!

History repeating

Not because my mum friends were in toxic or abusive relationships, but because we’ve internalised the bully.

When I asked a friend who used to do yoga every lunchtime whether she wanted to do a class with me, she didn’t say no because her boyfriend doesn’t let her out in the evening (as my mum experienced) or because he’s told her she doesn’t deserve it.
She said no because she’s telling herself this.
Her boyfriend is a nice guy. But the result is the same.

The relationship no one warns you about

We talk a lot about the impact having kids can have on your relationship. We even joke about the impact it’ll have on your sex life. But we never talk about how it affects your relationship with yourself.

The version of you that used to feel capable, confident and fun (dare I even say successful) exits stage left.

She used to be smashing it in a world she understood. She had the freedom to go out, meet friends, pop to the gym, hell, she could even fly to Spain for a girlie weekend. Those were the days.

Now she’s in shaky new territory, alone, shattered, and her inner voice has taken a harsher turn.
Instead of telling her to go for opportunities, that she deserves a splurge treat, it’s now mean.

It whispers things like:

“You’re not good enough.”

“It’s not their fault you can’t do this. Your babies deserve better. I only want what’s best for your kids, don’t you?” (I’m speaking from experience here)

Pic: me 2 months into motherhood, so tired and disoriented, I started listening to that sneaky voice

The worst part is, it’s damn convincing.

The arguments this inner critic, also known as mum guilt, presents seem reasonable.
On a bad day, you may even nod in agreement.

“They are your own children, you should be able to look after them on your own. Everyone else manages.”

It’s so coercive and convincing. It almost sounds like truth. An actual fact.
I am not good enough.
And it always has loads of evidence to back it up.
This inner critic could dance around any courtroom, charming the jury with its hypnotising sham.

The patriarchy’s final blow

I was hypnotised until I woke up.

What if the patriarchy chucked the sword down in retreat, knowing full well we’d pick it up and turn it on ourselves?

What if the societal and cultural conditions made it almost certain?

What if the programming ran so deep, through so many generations, that we can’t help but judge ourselves and each other so harshly?

I know how bullies operate. I’ve lived it for too long, so when I became a mum and started to see the same toxic patterns play out it freaked me out. Because I was the child of a bullied mum. I know the psychological impact of that. I know how it affected me. At 18, I left home and made a promise to myself that my kids wouldn’t experience what I had as a child, and I wouldn’t experience that as a wife. No looking back.

So twenty years later, to catch myself being the bully, seeing how it was affecting my kids and realising it wasn’t just me, (every mum I spoke to was hearing the same mean language from within not from a partner), it set me alight. Forest fire type rage.

So, I got angry, I got on camera, I got on socials, I started a movement. Change starts now. We don’t need another generation of bullied mums. Choose kindness. Choose to break up with mum guilt.

If you’d like to hear the full, raw version of this story, check out my TedX.