What if the most radical thing you could do as a mum is...

show your kids what it looks like when an adult takes care of their own needs?

I launched my TEDx talk a week ago, and the line that seems to have really stuck with people isn’t even mine.

It’s a quote from Harvard sociologist Dr Martha Beck. Are you sitting comfortably? You might not be feeling so comfortable in a few seconds.

“Your children will not treat themselves the way you treat them.
Your children will treat themselves the way you treat yourself.”

Dr Martha Beck

BOOM.

The problem with mum martyrdom

Dr Beck blows holes in the archaic notion of mum martyrdom. We were sold the idea that giving everything to everyone else until all that’s left of us is a dry, crusty husk is something to be proud of.

Anyone else done with the hair shirt already?

Here’s the truth (and I speak from experience):

A mum running on empty, with barely a moment to breathe, skipping meals, skipping anything that might refill her own tank, is not a pretty sight. It’s not sustainable. It’s not good for anyone in the family. Thankfully, I learned this pretty quickly.

We’ve all met that mum who proudly lists her sacrifices like battle scars.
And honestly? We’re not impressed.

Because our kids aren’t learning from what we say.
They’re learning from what we model.

Right now, I have 3-year-old triplets who ignore most of what I say. However, they copy me in ways I’d never have predicted. A few days ago, because I was walking our real dog, they all walked their wooden dog toys to the beach. When my dog stopped for a poop, so did theirs. It was hilarious, but also painstakingly slow. See below.

A lesson from the 90s

I grew up in the 90s, in the height of thin culture, in the same town as Kate Moss.
Every woman I knew made comments about her body, went on crazy diets and demonised food.

After a while, mums realised that their daughters were watching them do this and ended up copying them. If my mum stopped eating something, so did I. It felt grown up. If she left half her food on the plate, so did I.

If adults aren’t role modelling healthy attitudes towards food, kids won’t have them.

And the same goes for well-being.

If we don’t show our kids what it looks like for an adult to take care of themselves and their needs, what can we expect?

The new normal I want my kids to see

These days, when my boys say, “Mummy’s going to yoga,” I feel proud.
For them, it’s normal to see me doing something for me.

I never said that about my own mum.

It was only when her children were adults and she retired that she finally got around to trying yoga, which she loves so much that she now travels the world to practice.

What a shame, all those years she didn’t do it. Sidenote: My dad had plenty of time to pursue his hobbies back then. Of course.

So what can you do?

Think of one thing you could do, just for you.
Not for the kids, not for the house, not for your job, not for the to-do list.
For you.

Then do it and let your kids see you doing it.
That’s how we start to change the narrative

PS: If this struck a chord...

You might also like my piece for Grazia this month, where I shared the lowest point of my own mum guilt story and what finally helped me break up with it for good.
(You can read it [here]).

Much love,

Leila x

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